NINJ4S!

alright alright, mostly just wanted to show you dudes the very cruel words i had to say, youll probly get a lol, but this made me feel so much better to just beat him with words hahaha anyways....this is kinds long lol

dbags reply-
I was trying to be nice and talk to you but ur just a bitch!
ok i was paying for 75% of the food and shit when I had my job! and i got your friends shit too... I drove you around. i let you drive my car to ur friends house like it was nothing. I would rub ur back if it hurt. watch ur gay ass shows. buy u a game you wanted for the plane... used u... hahaha! but thank you and your family for everything. Im not a heartless asshole like you... Ok i stayed in Washington for u... I had the the fucking choice to stay and your fucking ass started crying. so i went back for ur fucking ass... stupid me for thinking u cared. then u broke up with me... that was the most fuck up thing... but not like u give a fuck...
Dont say we can talk and never fucking talk to me asshole, then ask for shit i dont have! Because I fucking love cupcakes that much and took the book i gave u. next ur gonna say i took the camera... All you had to say is I dont want to talk to you. I cant believe your such a jerk but whatever! Ill look for any and all of ur shit...

my reply-
since when were you ever trying to be nice? when you deleted me from facebook and myspace? when you told me you couldnt be my friend despite your promise to be there for me ALWAYS and no matter what, your promise was a bunch of bullshit, and im glad youre out of my life, i barely ever drove your car and you lived at my house for a pretty long time after you got fired if you dont fucking remember when i bought food for you every fucking day if you dont recall i didnt ask for any of your stupid gifts and you know it, youre a selfish ass who wanted me to give up everything for you so stop being bitter that i didnt and go to florida already and stop being a whiny little bitch blaming me for your problems, you know why i broke up with you? because you were selfish and you didnt understand any of the shit i tried to tell you about our relationship, i wouldnt even call it a relationship, and even then when i tried to break up with you you dont even have the decency to keep your emotions under control you had to make a big deal out of it and make me feel like a sack of shit, which if you really ever cared about me you would never have done, but you were probly too oblivious to even realize, but really im over it and im over you and i have been for a pretty long time now, nothing you said just now meant anything to me because i could care less about any of your opinions you mean nothing to me and you really never did, dont bother looking for any of my shit, consider it another undeserved gift from me you fucking loser. you can think im the jerk all you want, i wasnt going to tell you any of this but you had to say something like that when all i wanted was my stuff back so shutup- do you get it? do i really need to TELL you i dont want to talk to you, i didnt think you were that stupid to not understand, so here you go, i dont want to talk to you, i dont want to see you, there is that simple enough for you? goodbye


dbags reply-
fuck u talking about promises... Well it just sounds like ur venting to me... Someones angry... hahaha!!! ur so silly!
I told u I was sorry about that but ur just stuck on the past so whatever. bye

so today marks replied to me asking about my DS charger and told me "talking to you is like talking to noone" which made me really really happy because i knew that i could finally go off on his sorry ass, so jamie did. jamie did, the following is what i said in response and believe me, its all from the heart~
i dont know what i ever did to you besides break up with you but if thats how things are then here you go you fucking piece of shit moron you couldnt make it through school even if you somehow managed to make enough money to even pay for it because youre to fucking stupid. i didnt ask you to talk to me dipshit because believe me youre the last person on the face of the earth i want to talk to, i asked you for my shit back but good one you dyslexic retard you managed to spell almost everything in your message right, talking to you is like talking to pathetic shell of a person who doesnt understand that hes worthless and how pathetic he really is, im glad youve moved on to the next unsuspecting underage girl though have fun with her untill she realizes your a loser who will never be anything more than a faggot who is going to use her for everything shes worth until she doesnt want him anymore. youre emotional breakdowns meant nothing to me, a sad man crying his sad little heart out, guess what i dont fucking care its funny to me to see you try and make fun of me when youre the one who was begging to take me back crying all over the house making a big deal of it i took pity on you and tried to make it work but your too retarded and still you begged to stay together crying again like a fuckin pussy, but dont worry about the DS charger, dont worry about the hundreds of dollars i spent on your sorry broke ass the house of mine you lived in for months without paying rent, the many things i bought you that you didnt deserve, talking to YOU is like talking to noone, have a nice pointless life like i know you will.

DEEEEPBREAAATHES it was nice to finally write that.

wait, what? its freakin november? when did that happen...for a pretty long time now my days blend together-i work i smoke i sleep i work i smoke i sleep. i decided not to buy any weed starting now (shits expensive) but idk i feel really weird. i feel like ive excluded myself from my normal life. i barely hang out with anyone anymore, not that i dont want to i would love to its just im too tired to find time in between sleeping working and being high and lazy. occasionally i smoke before work, sometimes on my thirty. idk that place is a lot more tolerable when your too high to care, idk i guess that job just drives me crazy most of the time. ive been wanting a normal relationship with my family for idk how long and im kinda almost there, my parents arent always mad at me i have conversations with my brother sometimes even lol. lately during extended periods of soberness when im by myself i think alot about you guys and how i wish i made time to hang out with you guys i really do miss hanging out, and i dont want you guys to feel like i dont care because im not making time for you guys, im just kinda mixed up right now and i need to learn to give people who matter the most my attention, im trying to make things better in my life and it feels like its taking me forever. winter quarter i want to go to school work part time and hang out with my friends like normal and i hope it actually happens. 

you can treat me like a shitty friend, its ok i still wont act like one, but i wont sit here and take blame for shit that i did wrong in your mind. i didnt do anything. get over yourself, grow a pair of balls, and maybe apologize. you dont even HAVE to apologize itd be nice but you dont have to, atleast dont treat me like im a shitty friend, because really, that shit hurts.

rantrantrant/

im in a very thoughtful mood. life is crazy man. shit happens, do what you gotta do to keep yourself happy, and then the people you love. balance is a very hard thing to find.

dont know what is expected of me...

i feel like i lost myself. in like a path in the woods. one of the kinda paths that are complicated and confusing so ill never find myself again.

weeeheeeeheeeee~

the roof business at works finally done with. people were fired. made me realize how close i really am to my coworkers cause when i found out whod been fired i almost started cryin. then i got out of the office and saw james and we both started crying. it was pretty ridiculous and the whole thing is really super duper gay but im glad i made some good friends at work.

but anyways. when are we all going to hang out!?!?!? i miss you dudes ;___;

after everything. you want nothing to do with me. after i promised you id ALWAYS be here for you no matter what happened between us. after i asked you to promise the same and you did. you wont even talk to me. your stupid blog about how you cant be friends with your exes cause youll just want to make it work. why would you even make that promise to me if you knew you wouldnt be able to keep it. why would you make me think that. i dont know why i beleived you but i obviously shouldnt have since you left like i was just another ex you want to forget about. cant trust guys to be there for you when you need them. pretty much what ive learned.

so much wooooork! i swear. im tired of working so much. they need to hurry up and hire more managers so were not all in overtime. alll the time. im confused about a lot of things but i cant put them into words. its strange. so i end up just going with things. alot of mixed feelings about marks. and some mixed feelings about being in a relationship again. blahblahblah. boop

just go with the flow.

at least ive been having a good time with coworkers at work/after work lol its been some good times but i srsly need less hours so i can hang out with you guys :(

im beginning to feel more confident about leaving marks. it shouldnt be such srs business anyways. i know ill probably feel bad later but right now i feel good about the decision. no offense to marks but im kinda excited to date someone whose like actually smart. marks wasnt like really dumb or anything. but he wasnt the brightest. im extremely tired. no sleep last night. starting work in 45 minutes. truth or dare last night was fun, im jsut glad james didnt ask me about tyler in front of everyone like i know he was about to.

sleepless rambles ._. i love my coworkers.

annnnd end. w/e. i need to move out so soon man ughhghhghgh

if i didnt distract myself so much with constantly hanging out with people and partying (lol) id probly just be emo all the time. so thats a plus i guess. its a pretty strange thing to not know what i want. i still dont know. but im going with it. looking back i dont think me and marks were very good together. i hope he really can be friends with me without freaking out. well see i guess. relationships scare me. idk why i keep getting into them lol, i cant help it i suppose. its been fun along the way so w/e. i dont regret anything. doesnt make me any less confused though lol. i feel like a very strange girl who doesnt know who she is what she wants or where shes going. i dont like being alone so much anymore, just me and my thoughts which i usually dont like. blahblahblah. rambling. this post is officially pointless.

ive regained my love for music though! :D YEY for reDLing tons of music.

marks had to start being all nice. and confusing. i know he loves me, i know i care about him. but the last couple weeks have been the most emotionally stressing times of my whoooole freakin life. letting him leave today was the hardest thing ive ever had to do. i guess his sister cant let him stay there long unless he has a job, so if he cant find one by june hes joining the army. and idk if i can let that happen. im so confused. i care about him far too much to just abandon him right now. but at the same time the last thing i want is one of those stupid complicated on again off again relationships. i was so tempted to ask him to stay today, but i figured ill wait a week or so and see if i still feel the same, and maybe talk to him. idk. i never want to hold someones heart in my hands like that ever again. im too weak for that. i also never want to know that im what made a grown man cry. i cant handle that either. it kills me.

so i guess why i left him- im confused. i need to know that im not lost in a relationship and that i can be myself without someone by my side. i cant be in a serious relationship right now. atleast not THAT serious. i need to get my shit together. we were fighting more, and i was having serious doubts and i didnt want to let it continue and hurt him. i want him to be happy. and i have a small crush on a coworker. which is unfair to marks.

i dont know how i just let the most amazing person ive ever met just walk out of my life. but i did.i dont know what im doing. i want to sleep forever. but i cant sleep. i cant. not since he left...i just keep telling myself that if im this confused that being in a relationship just wouldnt work. but i miss him. if he really goes into the army i dont know what ill do.

on another note....where is everyone lol i wish someone was online. im going crazy.

i kinda wanted like a not-too-serious but still committed relationship. and i got super serious spend the rest of our lives together relationship. its kind of scary when you hear someone say they want to marry you, but at the same time it was really sweet, and i really do care about marks like more than anyone ive ever cared about before. buuuuuut look at me. im not ready for marriage. i cant even finish school. we had a srs talk last night about whether or not i want him to "be around" and i was sad that he couldnt tell i loved him, but hes afraid i dont know whats going on and one day ill wake up and think that hes not the guy for me. i dont want him to worry about shit like that. his life has been shitty enough thus far, and i just want to make him happy, but i seem to always be disappointing him. raaaaaah, but after talking all was well. i just have many thoughts in my head.

should be doing homework ._.

im so incredibly tired. this last week ijust feel like i cant get enough sleep. its beenworse than usual. im only at ease when i forget about how hard im failingat life long enoug to sleep. if i didnt have marks id probly just becrying right now. only thing imlooking forward to right now...going to florida for spring break. being completely outof washington for a week is about to be so goddamnrefreshing

 i fucked myself over in speech. i cant do speeches. also i have a retarded topic. so w/e. tell me why my alarm didnt even go off today. i was pissed. fucking missed a spanish test. im going to tell her my car broke down on the way to school and hope she lets me retake it. shes kindof a btich though so i doubt it. but ill try. agaaah i worry about marks. he doesnt sleep right cause i guess he has fuckin  not cool dreams about shit that happened along time ago. if i ever meet the person who did that i would do unspeakable things to them. i swear to god. i would scalp them and make them choke on it while i delimbed them and beat them with their own arms.  rant rant rant rant.

yeah.

jamie doesnt feel well.

end

chris. your cool and all. but i dont like you like that!!!!!!!!!!! goddamn. he wont stop hitting on me. "why cant your BF move out....sounds like hes holding you back" what would you know? your just saying that cause you want my balls. you dont know the first thing about marks and you barely know me. sostop telling me im amazing every time you see me. stop inviting me to your house to see a movie or to your parents house to use the hottub or to go snowboarding stop telling me how its cute when i do this and that and blahblahblah. stooop iiiiit. alright. im done. i hope chris gets the telepathic message.

in other news i still really want to move out. but it looks like i wont be able to for a pretty long while. marks and his past debts. and his not taking care of them... unless someone wants to move out with me??? yeah?? yeah?? lol 

i hate being sick. spittin up snotballs. so fun. i want to go to sleep but i already slept hella. *whine whine whine*

im so sick of this place. UGHHH. i cant wait to get out of my house. i talked to my dad yesterday. said things about how hes jsut worried moving out with a guy blahblahblah he feels like i dont care about them as much as i do marks blahbalhbalh. it was alright right? he wasnt TRYING to make me feel bad. even though it did. but my mom. on the other hand. talked to me today. SIJGHDFSIUGHIUGHIUDFSHGIUSHFDIPgh i swear she wants to guilt me to literal death. i cant stand talking to her and then just going downstairs and crying. she starts asking why im moving out. says she feels like its just because i dont love them and cant stnad it here. tells me i hurt my dad. like. really. SHUTUP i already talked to him. and he wasnt being a faggot like you. he told me that he didnt think i was letting ihm down. but when i tell you i feel like you hate everything i do no matter what it is and that i just dissappoint you guys and thats why i want to move. all you can say is "you moving out is a disappointment to us" WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT FROM ME!? i cannot coexist with you mom. i cant. i will never live up to your standards. i will never make you happy. i hate being the stupid messup daughter after your two fucking perfect sons. im done even trying.


IOGHSIUOFGH today was shit. just kinda needed to vent....

because i feel like it. i must tell LJ of my magnificent work adventures. so last night i closed with liz. and david and matt were there doin their own things right. so when we close we end up playing some video games. then matt says something about the roof and were like OMGAW i wanna go to the roof! so we do. and you have to like climb this giant ladder to get there. and we get to the roof and david pulls out this fat joint and they start passing it around so i was like w/e right. we all smoked except liz, and we just stand there talking. matt is the coolest high person ever. you know you have a cool job when your freakin senior assistant manager smokes weed with you. and i felt it for the first time. it was scary. having your eyes not work the way your used to. shit was moving around and being all 3D like and i felt like i was shaking insanely but noone said anything about it so i dont think i was. then going down the ladder was the scariest moment of my life because i was shaking and high and i was like omg thats a big drop ahhaha so matt had to hold my purse. then. we go into booth and look at all the projection shit. which was really trippy while high. i had to concentrate hella hard on what i was doing or i would just space out completely. booth looks like a  crazy underground factory or something. then we went in the secret hallway. then we went back to the arcade. then i sat and tried to be unhigh so i could go home safely. luckily keith and earl were outside so they drove me home lol.

basically. it was crazy. i probably wont smoke weed for awhile lol. not like i planned on doing it regularly anyways just kinda curious.

in other news. fuck you speech. ;_____;

also. im excited for spring break. im gonna go to florida with marks and its going to be fuuuuuuuuuuunweeee.

*pretends like she doesnt have an assload of homeowrk* tralalalaaa

im still trapped in the prison that is school. if it wasnt for literally everyone around me wanting me to be in school. i totally wouldnt be.

i hate you expectations. i hate you.

in other news. life is alright when its not too busy.

i have almost 40 hours of work this next. week. i wont complain though, since ive wanted to be promoted for like EVER and now that its happened it obviously means ill be getting more hours. ill just be super tired at school. oh welll lol. i usually am anyways. im less angry/frustrated about the liz situation now, despite that shes really annoying, i refuse to compete with her or act like she does. im going to work just as hard as i normally do. ive been getting annoyed at little things lately ._. i need to work on that. lol i got mad at marks because he was making fun of how shitty i was playing this game. and said i should play an easier one. and i was hella annoyed. i need to calm down lol, i called him annoying once and he got ...not mad. but upset. so yeah. i guess im finding out that im alot more immature than i thought i was... something to work on for sure. for a really long time ive felt like im having a hard time balancing the time i spend with people i care about. before i was dating marks i was hanging out with you guys like all the time. but i was never with my family. now im mostly with marks, with my family a little bit more than before, and rarely with you guys. its ghey. i wish it could be a little more equal. but i feel like i have no time :/

besides that. im super excited about work. and school is MEH but im making a point to do better than lat quarter. not throwing up every morning will definitely help with that lol. ooohhh pointless LJ posts.